I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
