Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
