I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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