I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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