im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
