i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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