I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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