Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
