I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
