Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
