he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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