Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
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Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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