Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
