how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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