I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Randomize
