How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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