i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
