Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
