A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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