So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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