I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
