Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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