So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
