I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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