Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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