I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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