I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My life is pants optional.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
