Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
