imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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