theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
