Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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