Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
