I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
