Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
