so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
