i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
