I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
