I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
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You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm just crazy horny about you
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He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.