its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.