Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
