piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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