I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
