You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
