i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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