You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
