dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
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On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
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Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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