If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
