it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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