It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
