ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
