Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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