I CAN MOONWALK!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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