Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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