You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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