I am midnight drunk by noon
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
