Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
