If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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