I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
