Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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