Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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