Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
