just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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