it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
